People Pleasing Bingo Cart
How Helping Others Helped Me Hide My Own Pain
It starts with good intentions.
The kind that feel generous. Kind. Selfless.
Until they quietly hollow you out from the inside.
Here’s what happened — and how a single conversation cracked something open in me.
🥂 Part 1: The Story
I was stuck in my head for days — caught between two job options and totally unsure what to do. It felt messy and unresolved. Like I couldn’t even explain it properly if I tried.
Then one evening, I met up with a friend for beers. She opened up about a dilemma she was facing and asked for my thoughts. I gave her advice, helped her talk it through — and she left feeling clearer, grateful.
Only later did it hit me: she had the wisdom to ask for help, and I hadn’t even told her I was struggling with something almost identical.
I just sat there, wearing my “put-together” mask, offering support while keeping my own mess tucked away.
Why didn’t I say anything?
I told myself it wasn’t the right time.
That the problem wasn’t clear yet.
That it would be a waste of her time.
But really?
I just didn’t know how to be helped.
Somewhere along the line, I learned to only speak up when I had something useful or insightful to offer — and forgot that sharing doesn’t always have to be helpful. Sometimes, it’s just about letting yourself be human in front of someone else.
I tried to convince myself I was being a good friend.
But I knew this was a deeper pattern at work.
The next day, I was left feeling hollow.
And angry with myself.
Unfortunately, this wasn’t an isolated experience — it was just one more pit stop on a familiar road. And that empty hollowness led me to ask:
Why do I feel guilty when I rest?
Why do I feel resentful toward the people I love most — and then hate myself for it?
Why does saying no feel like I’m doing something wrong?
What these questions showed me was this:
Being “nice” had stopped being a strength.
It had become a survival strategy.
One that was now hurting me more than it helped.
If any of that story felt familiar, you might just be one of us.
📜 Part 2: The Rulebook We Never Meant to Write
In The Disease to Please, author Harriet Braiker explains that people-pleasing stems from a set of invisible rules we learn to follow — like commandments we never consciously chose, but feel terrified to break.
A quiet, subconscious rulebook.
Full of “shoulds.”
Here are a few you might recognize:
We should…
always do what others want, need, or expect.
take care of everyone — even if they didn’t ask.
never upset anyone or hurt their feelings.
always be cheerful and easy to be around.
never say no.
never let anyone down.
never burden others with our needs.
And the unspoken 11th rule?
Follow all of these perfectly. No matter the cost.
Even when we’re exhausted.
Even when we’re falling apart.
Even when no one else is asking us to.
🌀 Part 3: The Spiral
After reading that, I went back and re-examined the incident I shared above. And I started to see a pattern.
That whole job decision mess? It started when I said yes to a job interview only because i as too much of a people pleaser to say NO to a friend. I just didn't want to disappoint him.
I wasn’t looking for a job.
But I canceled my day off to show up anyway. Midday. In the heat. Because I didn’t want to say no.
And then?
The interviewer was warm and kind. He validated me. Said poetic things about how much he wanted to hire me. That praise triggered more people-pleasing behavior in me. Suddenly I was excited — but not about the job itself. Just… about being wanted.
(More on people-pleasers’ addiction to chasing shiny new things — coming in the next essay.)
Looking back, the job wasn’t aligned with my needs at all.
It offered less alone time — which I need.
But one small act of people-pleasing spiraled into a week of confusion.
Now I was wondering if I should quit my current job — which triggered a whole new storm of guilt about disappointing my manager, or the boss who said he had “big plans” for me.
All this because of one unconscious yes.
And because I’m a good people pleaser… I told no one.
I thought: “It’s just thoughts. It’s not clear yet. Don’t waste people’s time.”
I told myself I’d only open up when I had a solid decision, a neat explanation.
Basically — only when it was no longer an issue.
and when you realize that in a short period of time like one week.
You’ve hit 4 or 5 of the commandments.
Like a People-Pleaser Bingo Card.
That’s when you realize that you acting out from deep addiction patterns
And not from intentional thinking. or a rational process — but more of a survival instinct.
I used to think people-pleasing made me a good person.
Now I see it mostly made me exhausted.
❤️ If this felt familiar…
…you’re not alone.
I’m writing a whole series about the inner world of people-pleasers — where it comes from, how it works, and how we can start choosing something gentler.
If that sounds like something you want more of:
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💌 Or share this with someone who always puts others first
More soon.